Mary Sue writings presents Callie and Sallie
by worcester sauce
Summary: Callie (Super Ditz) and Sallie (Non Ditz) fall through a tree hollow into middle earth, and on to the fellowship. Has Callie or Sallie found their true loves? Or are they both dilutional? It is up to you!(seriously funny!)
1. The very beginning

"Oh.My.God...OH MY GOD!" Callie, a tall, blond, with blue eyes, shouted for the entire street to hear. She was jumping up and down on the spot pointing towards a shop window  
  
"WHAT?" Yelled Sallie over the wild enthusiasm of her identical twin sister.  
  
"Look at those!" Callie pressed her nose against the shop window, staring with awe at a pair of ghastly, pink, stiletto healed, knee high boots. Sallie shook her head wearily, the pink was Ok, but the rest of it, was, well, disgusting! They had definitely over done the, Brittany look, by adding sparkly fluff around the brim.  
  
"I want them!" Callie sighed.  
  
"Well, here's an idea, why don't you bbbbuuuuyyyy them?" Sallie was often amazed at her sister's stupidity, actually, no she wasn't. Sallie kind of expected that from someone who applies too much foundation, and, therefore looks like a porcelain doll, that wears too much mascara.  
  
"Duh! I don't have any money," Callie answered. Suddenly Callie's eyes darted towards the scrawny, greasy haired check out guy, that was trying not to stare at her, and grinned. She stood up straight and flicked her long blond hair, then strode confidently through the door, with Sallie following slowly behind.  
  
Callie walked over to a chair, then flashed a delicate smile at the, attendant. The attendant just stared back, looking goofy. Could she really be looking at him? He decided he better do something, after five minutes of staring, and walked up to the young lady, of around 16.  
  
"May I-I h-help you m-miss?" He asked timidly.  
  
"Yes please-Sir-, I would like to try on the boots displayed in the window please, I'm a size eight."  
  
The attendant smiled nervously, his blood shot and watery eyes glanced towards the shop window, then shortly afterwards his brain directed his feet to move in that direction.  
  
Callie pulled out her compact mirror from her pink leather handbag. Just as she thought, absolutely drop dead gorgeous, as normal, not a hair out of place. Unlike her sister. Sallie's hair was pulled back into a rough bun, her jeans had holes in, and she had only put mascara on!  
  
With much effort, the greasy haired adolescent, name badge reading 'Frederick,' directed himself back to the gorgeous lady, and sister.  
  
Carrie graciously took the shoes from his sweaty fingers to put them on. They fitted like a dream.  
  
"Would y-you like to b-buy them m-miss?" Callie's head snapped up to meet the gaze of Fred, then smiled sadly. To Sallie's dismay, Fred smiled back, showing off his huge, grungy braces, with what were now, brown, bands. She forced back the temptation to gag.  
  
"Oh NO!" Callie cried, mocking despair, "I have no money." A tear slid down her cheek, Sallie was amazed it didn't take the 1 inch thick foundation off with it.  
  
The naïve attendant, called Fred, stuffed his hands in his pocket. "Miss, you can 'ave 'em f-for f-free if you like." He had not noticed the price tag, then he added, "-If you might give me y-your phone number."  
  
Callie smiled and pulled a pink pad of scented paper and pen from her handbag. "There you are," she said as she handed him the piece of folded paper, then walked quickly out of the shop, in her new boots, the others placed some how in her small handbag.  
  
"You didn't really give him your number did you?" Sallie asked, quite shocked that her sister had even considered it, she didn't usually go for ugly guys.  
  
"DUH, course not."  
  
"Well, what did you give him?"  
  
Fred's head snapped up, and his eyes opened wide. He was sitting at the counter with the receipt still in his clenched fist, those boots cost $229! At least he got the phone number. Fred lifted the scented paper to his nose, and breathed in its sweet perfume. He then carefully unfolded it. It read...  
  
' 0-0-0, thanks SUCKER!'  
  
He would treasure it forever!  
  
An hour passed by and Callie's bladder was feeling full. Those two free cappuccinos had taken their toll on her. She remembered the man who bought them for her, My Gosh he was UGLY! They were walking in the park, and it was along way from the nearest bathroom. 


	2. Stars can fall, so can twins

Disclaimer thing: WE do not own these characters, except Callie and Sallie, and the pink stiletto boots. (we don't own the boots literally, as in, have our own pare,...yuk...we just thought of them) oh yes and Frederick too! And the bark on the tree, that's ours.  
  
A/N: Hi guys!!!! This chapter is written by Ell-leigh! Hope you all enjoy it and have a good laugh! Cos I think it is really funny!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE review to tell us what you thought of it, because it is always nice for the author to get some feedback from it!  
  
To their surprise they landed on some beautiful earth, with a loud...  
  
THUD!  
  
"That hurt."  
  
The beautiful rays of the beautiful Middle-Earth-Sun beautifully shone on the beautiful tangled mess of arms, legs and pink, fluffy, stiletto boots...beautifully.  
  
"Am I still alive?" Sally said, rolling over and pulling a long, broken twig from underneath her back.  
  
Suddenly a ring of faces was staring down on them. One of them, an extremely tall, pointy-eared Orlando Bloom look-alike squealed- "Oh. My. GODS," hyperventilated breathing. "Where did you get those SHOES?!?"  
  
Finally someone with a little fashion sense, Callie thought, blood dripping from her nail. Oh God, Broken NAIL.  
  
Sallie cracked her neck, took a tall, handsome, manly man's hand, and then stood up with his manly help.  
  
"Who be you who fall from yonder sky to beneath ye golden apple tree?" He asked manly-ly with dramatic hand gestures. Callie raised an eyebrow.  
  
"In English please?"  
  
"Who are you?" He said, pointing at Callie who was lying in the tall, blond, Oh-My-Gods-where-did-you-get-those-shoes!?! One's arms, as he inspected her broken fingernail.  
  
"Callie," she replied.  
  
"And you?" He said to Sallie.  
  
"Sallie," she smiled sweetly, and attempted to flutter her eyelashes, although smiling and fluttering to get a guy's attention was not her forte; more of her sister's.  
  
"I be Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He be Legolas, son of Thranduil, he is Frodo of the Shire, Gimli son of Gloin, Merry Brandybuck and Pippin Took," he pointed his manly finger as he said each of the names. "Sam," he paused and then whispered towards the girls, "he is a little strange..." The one called Legolas nodded in agreement. "Boromir son of Denethor, Gandalf-the- Grey," and pointing to a hunched over slimy-looking creature with a fish fin between its two front teeth, he said, "and he is some hitchhiker who stole our fish, will not leave us alone and tries to stroke Legolas' hair and call him precious."  
  
The creature swallowed, making a throaty 'Gollum' sound, and gestured to shake hands with Sallie, whose first reaction was to hide behind Aragorn's manly shoulders.  
  
The thick stench of rotting corpses filled the air. (Not that I know what a rotting corpse smells like. Narrator coughs, then kicks a skull back under her desk.) Aragorn sniffed.  
  
"A foul stench is upon us," Aragorn said, and most of the group's eyes wondered towards Boromir, who was looking rather guilty. "Wolves...They are close!"  
  
The entire group took up their positions, pointy, shining swords glinting in the sun; Legolas was ready with a bow. Frodo was raving about the fact that his sword went a pretty blue colour when Orcs were close; and Boromir was muttering something along the lines of, "Stupid curly haired, big feet hobbit gets everything, first the ring, then the sting."  
  
The entire group then moved forward, like it was some especially choreographed dance sequence. Callie and Sallie the realized they had no weapons, and Callie was not the fighting type, definitely not in that out fit.  
  
Legolas stood protectively in front of Callie, there was no way he was going to let some dirty wolf near her shoes, and shinny hair. Aragorn stood in front of Sallie, because it was the manly thing to do, and Boromir, luckily, was down wind.  
  
Suddenly a huge wolf jumped out, and ran straight into Gandalf's long pointy staff thing, therefore landing un-conscience to the floor. Then another ran into the point of Aragorn's sword. (Aragorn: hey I said there were wolves, not smart, dangerous, sneaky wolves.) A few more arrived, and impaled themselves, and that was the end of a very dramatic and short battle. (P.s. this is rated PG-13, if you are disturbed by the graphic details of this hilariously funny story... that's your problem... or your parents for letting you read it... cough)  
  
After everyone had cleaned their swords, and taken what gold they could find from the wolves; which in Merry's case was a small gold-chained collar reading... 'Fluffy poo, if found please return to Sauron at 123 Mordor drive, big tall tower thingy with an orange eye on top,' they sat down on a beautifully grassy hill to eat some food.  
  
Except the slimy creature called Gollum who was up in a tree, seeing if bark was edible, as they had no fish left. It was not.  
  
Aragorn got a fire going, using his skilled and manly hands, while Sam, who thought he was an excellent cook, started trying to cook something he had found on the ground. All the company had left to eat was some soggy dried fruit, and stale bread. To everyone's delight, Callie pulled eleven low calorie sandwiches out of her handbag, and everyone was happy. Except for Gollum who was still trying to eat the inedible bark, which he still thought was edible.  
  
What do you think of this chapter?????? Please review. Piece of helpful info, did you know that the something in the bark of a willow tree is the main ingredient of aspirin? (please do not test this theory out, you don't want to accidentally swallow a wood louse or centipede) 


	3. Moss aint good 4 u!

Hey everyone!!! I wrote this chapter, hope you all enjoy it, and please review. By the way, don't smoke moss, or anything else it ain't good for you. Btw, it is better to put your rubbish in a bin, rather then a nice secluded spot. Please review.  
  
After their low calorie sandwiches, the group placed themselves around the fire to sleep.  
  
"Would you young ladies please stay with us on our quest? For I fear danger for those so young and beautiful that walk in these woods unaided by a man." Aragorn asked Sallie seriously, he thought it was unwise of them to walk alone with none but their pink hairpins to protect them. Sallie smiled and accepted.  
  
The cold wind rushed past, and with nothing but her coat, Callie shivered uncontrollably. She stuck her hand deep into her small pink handbag and pulled out extra thick and warm sleeping bags, for herself and her sister, plus the odd hot water bottle or two, for everyone else.  
  
Suddenly a long and woeful howl erupted from deep in side the forest; Gandalf tried to converse with the creature.  
  
"Hooowwwlllll!"  
  
"Woof woof." He replied  
  
"Arf Arf SSSNNARRRLLLL." Gandalf jumped a little in surprise from the vicious reply of the creature- and at last he said...  
  
"I have discovered it is no human." Aragorn stifled a laugh; he had known that before the creature even began to howl. Gandalf noticed his look, and felt hurt. There was only one thing to do when he felt hurt... smoke weed, pipe weed preferably, but where? He had finished his stash in the first day of travelling. Gandalf's eyes wondered to where Merry was sitting, and a wry smile sprung spontaneously onto his 'wise' face. Merry was smoking... no he wasn't; he was just sucking on a twig. 'Stuff this' he thought to himself, and he pulled a heap of moss off the nearby tree, stuck it in his pipe, and began trying to smoke it, ignoring the wood louse that was twitching violently in the flames. It was a kind of weed, wasn't it?  
  
"So where are we going tomorrow Gandalf?" Gimli the, bushy bearded, dread locked with beads, and a bike chain around his neck, dwarf asked. But the wise old wizard had passed out, with two pipes in his mouth and one stuck up his nose. Gandalf's left eye twitched and he muttered something along the lines of...  
  
"Great stuff that," then drifted back into his 'happy happy' dreams.  
  
Aragorn got a sleeping bag off Callie, then he settled himself down next to Sallie, who was already asleep.  
  
Callie was talking with Legolas. Legolas looked quizzically at her beautiful shinny hair.  
  
"How do you get your hair so shiny, with no split ends and so..." he lifted his hand and let her hair twist in his fingers, "smooth?"  
  
Callie smiled, "Well, I like to use coconut oil and honey shampoo, with a little vanilla conditioner." Legolas looked bemused, what was this thing called ... conditioner, "Here," Callie handed him two pink bottles she had just pulled out of her handbag; Legolas looked gratefully at her, say goodbye split ends! He took her manicured hand in his, first admired it with interest, and then kissed it.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Callie blushed, "No biggy." This had to be the most sensible and friendly guy she had ever met, he was so sensitive, and they had sooooo much in common!  
  
Frodo was sleeping on Callie's other side, with Sam next to him, who was muttering to the burger ring he had placed on his finger. Aragorn was on first watch for the night.  
  
After maybe two or three hours of sleep, Callie woke up to the loud, and strangely weird, snoring of the two little hairy hobbits next to her. Frodo had taken a high soprano, whilst Sam had taken the baritone, and the strangely weird thing was, that both the snoring together was strangely harmonious. She rolled to the left, and saw the familiar bodies of Boromir standing over Frodo with a knife, and Pippin standing over Sam with a flaming log. Both looked bitterly disappointed that Callie had woken, so Boromir went back to his sleeping bag, and Pippin back to his watching post.  
  
Soon the snoring was getting whiny, and Callie could no longer bare it, ditto for the rest of the company too. Each person was awake, except Gandalf who was still in his 'happy happy' dream land, and they were trying to stuff Gandalf's moss in their ears. Callie, the practical one, pulled a sock from her handbag and stuffed it into Frodo's mouth, and then did the same with Sam. It did help although there was an irritating whistle-ly noise now, instead. It would have to do. Callie and the others then went back to sleep.  
  
Callie and Sallie woke up at sunrise. The orange clouds glowed with orange, and to see it in more detail, they decided to sit on top of a small hill nearby. It was amazing how clear the sky was with no pollution. Suddenly a boy dressed in green with a pointy hat flew across the sky, with a girl and several boys following. One of the boys had obviously been drinking, as he was swerving around, and knocking into the odd bird. His body went stiff and he started zooming towards the ground at a very high speed, fire glowed around his body, BANG, he hit the ground. The other boys and girl ahead laughed light heartedly, then KABOOOMMM! The area where the boy had landed exploded as if his body had grenades stuck to it. The children stopped laughing, and they all tilted their heads for a moment of floating silence, before flying away. They do say, DO NOT DRINK AND FLY!  
  
About half an hour after the accident, the others woke, and they all had some fat free strawberry yogurt that Callie had found in her bag, and to everyone's surprise, it was not past it's used by date. (If you are wondering about Callie's mystical handbag, the companies motto is, hey if it works use it and don't question it, if it doesn't chuck it away some place secluded, or in a rubbish bin). Then the company packed their bags and began walking again.  
  
If you think I have spelt something wrong, please let me know ( And I hope you liked it, what do you think? Please review! ( 


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